Reid Miles 0:00 Hello Aspies and ADHD here is a like Welcome to a new series called Stories part of Inside Asperger's Studio. Today I'm joined with Jaclyn Hunt of ASD life coach, where we talk about where she is, where she's going, and what she has planned for the future. And also make make sure to stay tuned to the very end to check out the question asked and remember guys to hit that bell, subscribe and life so, you know, when I put up new videos, see you on the other side. Hello aspie that ADHD or the like, welcome to a very special new series of inside the Asperger's studios called stories. I'm joined today with Jaclyn HUnt, someone who is very near and dear to my heart who has helped me deal with a lot of my issues. Welcome to the show, Jaclyn, Jaclyn 1:03 Thank you for having me Reid this is an honor. Reid Miles 1:06 Not a problem. So like I said, this is Stories where I let those tell their story. So the stage is all yours. Jaclyn 1:16 So I guess to give your audience a little background on me, I am a life coach for adults on the autism spectrum. and, you know, talking about my story, the reason I got into this, this field is because of my husband, he's on the spectrum. And I was studying at the time while we were dating, to be a marriage and family therapist. And then I love therapy, I always tell people therapy is wonderful. It's it's, it's it helps so many people. But as I was learning things, I found that that everything I was learning either had no effect or the complete opposite effect on my own relationship. And, and it took us a little time to find out that that my husband was on the spectrum. And once once we did, that it really took my career in a whole different direction. And I learned everything I could about ASD and, and you know what it meant for adults, because really, there's so much out there for children these days, you know, children are getting identified, they have so many services have so many supports in place, and it's still lacking, I think they need to do a lot more work in that area. But, but in terms of adults, you know, once you turn 23 there's no much out there. There's not many people out there who who work on on life skills, you know, everyday life skills. And so once I started learning and once myself and my husband understood what was going on, we finally started making progress in our relationship and communicating more effectively and, and solving problems instead of having arguments that would last sometimes for months. And once we learned how to communicate, I thought to myself, if we're having this problem, how many other people out there having the same struggles that that go to a therapist and the therapist doesn't know how to help them is giving them advice that might have the complete opposite effect or or no effect and then how frustrating that can be for people. And so I decided to to you know, stop studying therapy and become a life coach. And since nobody else out there was really doing it, I did it myself. And, and I never going to look back I'm so happy I'm doing this I get to meet amazing people all over the world who come from all walks of life have various talents and abilities and, and, you know, strengths and weaknesses and, and I've been connected with so many amazing people across across the country across the world. And working on life skills, social skills, you know, being able to manage your life executive functioning, you know, just just managing your day to day life and building self confidence and motivation and just practical life life skills. And so that's that's sort of the short version of how I got into this this business and doing what I do. Reid Miles 4:53 Very interesting. Um, have you um, do you take anything you've learned from yourself and bring it to your clients? Jaclyn 5:02 Oh, I always tell people, especially couples, parents that reach out to me that they have to do as much changing as their child or spouse or significant other have to do, just as much as, as my husband has changed over the years, I've changed that much too. I've learned, I've learned to be more direct, I've learned to be more accurate in what I say and talk about, I've learned never to make assumptions. So many of us make assumptions about people, you know, let's say someone is short with us, you know, we want to have strike up a conversation and they kind of blow us off. And I used to make an assumption that that meant, you know, though they didn't want anything to do with me, or they're a jerk, or, or there's something wrong with me, that's why they blew me off. And, and I've learned that there are so many things we can't see, you know, other people's stories where they came from, where they were, they you know, what went on in their day, and why they act the way they act. And so I've learned that, you know, we can never make assumptions, we always have to look at the bigger picture, and how many different possibilities are out there, in terms of why someone reacts or says or does something that they do. And so I've really widen my perspective, and I try to teach others, those types of things, you know, what I've learned, and then sometimes I'm in session, you know, motivating someone or telling them, you know, giving advice, and then I've realized, I need to walk the walk, I need to do that, too. I need, I need to follow the advice I just gave to someone. And so that helps me working with my clients helps me change and grow, I feel just as much as as they change and grow throughout, you know, the time we work together. So that's, that's a big reason why I think it's so, so rewarding the work that I do, I think, you know, in my therapy training, we were taught that you really have to set boundaries in terms of your own personal life with your clients. And that's something I don't agree with, I feel like we need to, you know, in order to teach someone how to have intimate relationships, we need to be able to be just as open and honest, as we're getting our clients to be with us. So that we can teach them to do that with the rest of the world. And so, I make my own rules, when I coach. And I think that's important because we're here to do real life work, not clinical, in a stuffy office work. So So part of, you know, bringing your own life into it causes you to grow and change as a person too. And, and, you know, I feel another reason I understand people on the spectrum is, even though I'm not on the spectrum, myself, I think growing up, I struggled with a lot of things that that many of my clients struggle with, you know, I've been through bullying, you know, people have bullied me, I've, I've been through situations where I didn't really understand what was going on. And nobody equipped me or took the time to teach me what was going on. And I had to figure it out for myself. And I realized that that it was it was difficult for me to learn it on my own. And imagine someone on the spectrum who's missing some some key, you know, cubes that that I'm able to recognize, imagine how much more difficult it is for that person. And so, it it really I get passionate about it. And I try to always put myself in someone else's shoes, whether I'm working with them or if it's a stranger on the street. You know, and, and I always try to keep that in mind in my work. Do you have any good stories you can tell? Or any any stories of like, I really good story from one of your clients that like just brighten your day? Oh, there's so many. There's so many stories of tremendous growth. I can't. I can't use names, of course. But that's, of course, around the same period of time. I was working with three different young men in their in their late 20s and all three of them from different parts of the country. Their number one goal was to Find a relationship to find a girlfriend. And all three of them thought it was impossible. And, and they thought it would never happen for them. And they they've been through so many failures in the past. And, and they were very depressed You and I were talking about, you know, depression earlier. And they were very depressed and in a bad place. And it took a few years for all three of them. But we started working on the things they were struggling with were working on themselves, you know, we're working on the depression working on getting getting fit, getting in better shape, getting their, their careers in order, getting them in a place where they can meet potential romantic partners, they were very isolated, we're getting them to step out of their comfort zone, you and I have talked about comfort zone so many times. And so we weren't directly going on dates, we were working on them themselves and making them more confident and healthy and happy with just themselves. And, and once they got to that point, the relationships just came. And, and they were successful. And they finally got to experience, you know, what they've been been wanting for so long, but they, they realized they had to take care of themselves first. And now, two of them are married. Wow. And one of them is in a serious long term relationship. And, And to me, that's, you know, taking the most, oh, I would say the people who were at their lowest when they came to me, and seeing them, you know, achieve this ultimate thing that they wanted years ago, and that they, they were willing to put the work in, that they didn't just, you know, stop that, Oh, I'm not going to get it instantly, let me walk away, I'm going to give up, they actually took the time to put the work in and they found what they were looking for, once they, once they did things in order, once they did things, you know, you have to find yourself you have to be in love with yourself before you can find someone to to have a loving relationship with. And once they learn that was, you know, that, to me is one of the most rewarding things I've ever experienced and seeing it happen with three people that I started working with about the same time. And about the same time a few years later, they're all achieving what they wanted to achieve. So that That to me is something I'm very proud of. Not not proud of myself, but proud of them. And I'm proud of myself to that I that I was part of that and help them get there. Reid Miles 12:58 I mean, that's that's like what I've been telling my friend all along is, before you can get into anything you need to be happy within. Because if you're not happy within any relationship you get into is nothing but a bandaid behind your own happiness. Jaclyn 13:14 Exactly. And a relationship is not meant to save us no, the relationship is meant to enhance us. A relationship is dessert, you don't need dessert to survive. But it's really nice to have. Reid Miles 13:31 I mean, he's been he was in this relationship for five years, and all of them his boyfriend split off with him. And because he's severe at ASD, and he's like, why is it me? I'm like, first of all, Don't put the blame on yourself. It's got to be a 50/50. He told you why some of the reasons but the other reason I told him is because your boyfriend in the beginning, never took time to even listen, we need to set some boundaries with you and the way you're act. You can't depend on me 100% Yes, and it just burns. It burns his boyfriend out to the point where he didn't want that. Didn't want that anymore. Jaclyn 14:14 Well, that's a very common Reid. It's it's very common, let's say you might not have a lot of friendships, you know, hypothetically, you don't have a lot of friendships. And then finally someone comes along and gives you attention. Suddenly, you elevate them to best friend. And because it's a new relationship, they quickly get overwhelmed. They it's too much for one person. And so it's not that they don't like you or want to have a friendship, or even a potential relationship with users. They're overwhelmed. There's too much too soon. You you put too much on that person. And, and I think a lot of people don't understand that. And how can you understand it, if no one teaches you that, if no one shows you that, and you were you're doing a good job of, of trying to explain that to your friend. And so, so I always believe in working on yourself first building a network of friendships first, being in a good place in terms of, you know, at least a path and in terms of your career and what you're going to do with your life. And then you look for that relationship, when you're already in a good place. And it helps take things to the next level enhances your life makes it even better. And then that way you don't, you don't overwhelm the person, you have your own separate lives, and then your lives together as a couple. That is, is the sign of a very healthy relationship. You don't want a codependent relationship you don't want, you don't want the other person to save you, you want the other person to enhance you and make you better. No, have you had any clients who have had severe depression? Oh, many, many do that? Well, you always have to go slow. You know, I've had a client who was so depressed, you know, he couldn't take a compliment. You know, you have you have a really nice, you know, really nice haircut today or, you know, that shirt looks really nice on you. And he would just say, No, it doesn't, you know, a lot of negative self talk. And sometimes, sometimes it's persistence. Many people give up. If their compliment is rejected, they eventually stop complimenting, but I don't give up. I keep us stay persistent. And by keep it going when I always tell the truth. You know, and I think once a client learns that, with me, what you see is what you get What I say is always the truth, I don't give a compliment. If it's not real. I don't, I don't say that you're intelligent, if it's not true, you know, what I say is real. And once, once a client gets to know me well enough to know that I don't steer them in the wrong direction, I always tell them the truth, then they start to believe. And then it's a process. It's a process. And, and I think my therapy, brat background really helps me in situations like that when I'm dealing with someone who might be depressed or anxious or, or I'm struggling with a little bit more than just ASD. And so persistence and patience and, and being understanding, but also, you know, being being persistent enough to show the person that what they're depressed, depressed about may not actually be the reality. You know, maybe, maybe girls are not rejecting you, because you think you're ugly, maybe maybe you're really good looking. And you're just feel so bad about yourself. That's what turns them off. So let's work on you. And once you feel better about you, then you realize how you how attractive you are to others. And so we often come to the wrong conclusions when we're depressed. And we make assumptions. Like I said earlier, no assumptions. Just because a girl will talk to you doesn't mean you're ugly. Just because a girl won't talk to you doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. We don't know what that girl's story is. And so we have to we have to learn about ourselves and grow as an individual. And then we could start understanding others. If you understand yourself, it's so much easier to understand people around you. Reid Miles 18:53 Like I like I said in the group once. The minute you stop caring about what people think of you is a minute you start living your life. Jaclyn 19:02 Yes. Reid Miles 19:03 And that holds true because with my friend, it's like he has to have any he has to live off of compliments, like boost him. I'm like, dude, that's not how you live your life. You got to live, you got to be happy with him first. You can't depend on other people to keep complimenting you. Jaclyn 19:22 Oh, yes. And that's a very good lesson read. It's, it's called external motivation. A lot of people run on external motivation, rather than internal intrinsic motivation. And so someone who runs on the external where they need complements they need they need people to motivate them to do things on the outside. Eventually, they're going to get stuck because there may not be someone there to fuel them. And so the more longer lasting type of fuel is, is lighting that fire of motivation within yourself. And, and, and learning how to fuel that, through, you know bettering yourself and, and working on yourself and being proud of yourself and, and not looking for external recognition. But being able to pat yourself on the back. That's not, that's not being conceited, that's, that's, that's, you know, being able to see reality, you know, I did a good job today, you know, and recognizing that and positive self talk. You know, a lot of times when I'm working with a depressed client, one of the first assignments I give them is, every morning, you have to say three positive things about yourself. And every night, before you go to bed, you have to say three positive things about yourself. Reid Miles 20:52 Thats what I tell my friend, Yeah, and that's how you start changing your story about yourself. And believing in yourself and starting to light that fire of motivation and, and redefining yourself. And once you start believing it, then others will start to see that. And then you're going to get that external, you know, motivation, but you're not going to run on it, it's going to feel good. And you're going to continue on. But it's not going to be what you need to keep going, you're going to continue on whether it's there or not. And so I think I think, external praise is is should be taken just as seriously as when someone criticizes us. We shouldn't let the criticism hurt us. And we shouldn't let the praise go to our heads either. You know, we should know the reality within ourselves. If that makes sense. That does mean, my friend is always you always get found when people sit there and they put him down and saying, thing, this or that. And I'm like, dude, you can't let these insults or put you down. Because you're just gonna bury yourself in and, you're going to hit rock bottom. And then it's harder to climb get back up top. Jaclyn 22:22 And a lot of times, people are strange. You know, a lot of times people think they're being helpful, but it comes off as an insult. And a lot of times people say things that, you know, they had good intentions, but it just didn't work out. And, and so we can often especially if we're depressed, misinterpret something that was meant to be helpful, but really wasn't. And it can hurt us even more. And so it's, it's, it'll take some time and work but you're really good friend. And if you keep pointing out the reality to your friend, and stay persistent, that's, that's tremendous. And, and he's lucky to have you as a friend. Reid Miles 23:12 Now, let's go back to your, your business, how many coaches did you start off with? Was it just you Jaclyn 23:19 in the beginning, it was just me. You know, just like any brand new business or field, you start off with one person and one client. And it builds and builds from there. And, and, you know, I have my dad and brother are business owners, my husband's a business owner. So I had the business sense, you know, I learned a lot from them. And so I, I just started building it from the ground up and one client turned into two clients into 20 clients into more clients than I could handle on my own. And I started bringing on coaches one by one I brought on Rosie, you know, Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, and I go way back, she's amazing. And you know, she she took on a lot and then I brought on Francesco and the rest of my coaches I have seven seven coaches that work for me now. And that's increasing, you know, we're very, very busy, but it's just over time the the need for what we do is great you know so many on the spectrum not even not diagnosed who who struggle in the areas that you know, we focus on, reach out to us and and the more that the word spreads, the more and more people that reach out to us and I love it. I I really wish that we weren't one of the only groups of coaches that do this. I want competition. I want more I do. I want more people out there doing what we do across the country across the world, because it's going to make us better coach is if there are people out there doing things that are innovating things and, and it's also going to eventually get recognized by, by the government, by insurance companies, by people who struggle to afford paying for our services I want, I want them to see that the need is so great that this is something that should be, you know, funded in some way, whether it's insurance companies or, or anybody who wants to fund something like this, because the world is becoming more autistic. In New Jersey, I think it's one out of every 3034 kids born on the somewhere on the spectrum. That's, that's a lot of people that's, that's in the millions, then. And we need, we need a way to connect everybody. Reid Miles 25:57 I mean, that's why I say I mean, no matter where you look, put your hand out either way, you're gonna talk to somebody that's gonna that's either undiagnosed or diagnosed. I mean, there are more people on probably on the spectrum that aren't on the spectrum. Jaclyn 26:11 Oh, I would say, you know, the spectrum is a label that neurotypical people invented. And so I love I love that neuro diverse is the big word nowadays, because we could neuro diverse were everywhere, on on a spectrum, all of us, and, and my husband says to me that I'm not a neurotypical. And some people misinterpret that to mean that I'm on the spectrum. And what he means by that is, most people most neurotypicals don't understand the autistic perspective. And so therefore, I'm different. I am not autistic, but I'm different. So neuro diverse love that. Reid Miles 26:59 Yeah. I mean, that seems to be the word of choice nowadays. Because no matter where you look, coaches, therapists, shop owners, everyone uses the word neuro diverse. Yeah. I mean, it covers everything really. It covers everything, it covers everyone, I could put myself in that we all could put ourselves in that category. And I love it. I love it. It makes sense. We don't, you know, I labels can help us, you know, figure out where to start. But nobody has to accept a label unless they want it. I mean, if you listen to my latest podcast, the whole, the whole beginning of that conversation was was on lables. And how those on the spectrum fight it, because it's something that late puts them label them as disabled. And they don't like that term. Jaclyn 27:55 Yeah, well, I don't blame them. Because, you know, I don't know your experience growing up three. But but many that come to me, when they had services, when they were younger, were often grouped together with people that were lower functioning than they were often grouped with people with, with disabilities, that that were nothing like them being on the spectrum. And so they often get this, this very bad vibe with that label, because they think that's how the world sees them. And so I found that it goes both ways where someone on the spectrum wears their diagnosis, like a badge of honor, or doesn't want anything to do with the diagnosis. And, and, and how we label ourselves is a personal choice. And so within, I just use the label as a way to advertise my services and people on the spectrum can find me, and I use the label as a place to start because there are a lot of commonalities for people on the spectrum that we could work on. But the otherwise throw the label out the window, and, and be yourself, be an individual, and, and and you know, focus on your strengths to take them to the fullest potential and work on your continually work on your weaknesses, until you get to the point where you're happy. So, you know, labels are just that labels, but you aren't. You aren't your label. Reid Miles 29:30 Everyone is like, I mean, one of the big things I'm about is everyone is unique. Jaclyn 29:36 hoOh yes, everyone is unique. They all have their own. Even if you don't know what your talents and abilities are yet they're they're just about discovering them, finding a way to discover them. And that's another good thing about life coaching, when you're stuck when you don't know what you want to do with your life. You know, a coach can help you brainstorm. You know, sometimes when you're alone with your thoughts, She gets stuck. And you need someone to bounce ideas off of so that you can evolve those thoughts into something tangible and doable and realistic and fun and rewarding. And I think everybody deserves that. And so that's just another benefit of having a coach just like a coach for an athlete. You know, athletes often have this amazing athletic ability that's intrinsic that they were born with. But if they want to get to the Olympics, they don't get there on their own. They need a coach, they need a mentor they need someone helps you them to their fullest potential. And I kind of see ourselves that same way. We take already amazing people, and we just show them the path. So that's, that's what we're all about. Yeah. Reid Miles 30:52 Know it comes time packed for the show. Part of the show, where I ask you a bunch of questions. I'm ready. I'm ready. What is your favorite word? Jaclyn 31:05 My favorite word? That's an interesting question. Oh, let me think. Nothing pops into my head instantly. Oh, feather. Reid Miles 31:25 What is your least favorite word? Jaclyn 31:28 Oh. your least favorite word? I hate the word disgusting. Reid Miles 31:49 You on creatively, spiritually and emotionally or emotionally? Jaclyn 31:55 Oh, people. People turn me on in all those ways. They motivate me and inspire me and and even when I'm trying to do the inspiring they they somehow turn it back on me and get me motivated to do more of myself. What turns you off? Ooh, ignorance. Reid Miles 32:21 What is your favorite cuss word? Jaclyn 32:24 My favorite cuss word. I'm not a big cusser. I'm not a big cusser. But I don't know. I it's funny because I always feel like I enjoy comedians that that don't have to drop f bombs constantly. I enjoy. You know, I enjoy more clever ways of communicating. So I'm not big on, on on throwing it out there. Left and Right, like some people do. But it's more how it said. So when you got a good f bomb. When no one expects it. It's so much more powerful. So someone like me who doesn't talk like that much. If I dropped one. You know, I mean it, you know it has that much more impact. So that's a good one when you want to make an impact. What not? Reid Miles 33:25 What sound or noise do you love? Jaclyn 33:28 Ooh, I love the sound of the ocean. Reid Miles 33:32 What sound or noise Do you hate? Jaclyn 33:40 Hmm.Any type of you know that nails on chalkboard type of screech is both Reid Miles 33:48 Alright? What is your favorite color? Jaclyn 33:51 Green. Reid Miles 33:52 When isyour least favorite color? Jaclyn 33:58 I would say orange. Reid Miles 34:01 What profession other than your own Would you like to attempt? Jaclyn 34:06 Growing up, I played the clarinet that was in band in school. And unfortunately, when I went to high school, there was no band. And I always regret not continuing with my music because I always could picture myself in like a pit band and a Broadway show or for an orchestra or something like that. Reid Miles 34:34 What profession would you not like to do? Jaclyn 34:38 I would not like to be anything to do with math. I would not want to be a math professor that's for sure. Reid Miles 34:47 If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates. Jaclyn 34:59 That's You got deep ones, you got deep questions. I would like God to say you did good. Reid Miles 35:16 And Lastly when you arrive at Heaven, who would you like to meet? And what would you ask them and why? Jaclyn 35:23 Oh, first first person I would want to meet would be not meet. I've already met him, but I would love to see my grandfather. And, and, you know, ask him what he's been up to all these years. Reid Miles 35:41 And thats it . that. Jaclyn 35:43 Oh, wow. Reid Miles 35:44 Thank you so much for being my inaugural guest, Jaclyn. Jaclyn 35:47 Oh, Reid, Thank you so much. It was an honor to be here. I'm so happy we finally got to do this was so much fun. Thank you. Reid Miles 35:55 You're welcome. Transcribed by https://otter.ai